I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
