if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
