um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
someone owes me an orgasm
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
