eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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