I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
