new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize