No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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