Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize