you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
