Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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