I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
