TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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