who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
It was a blind-side dick pic.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
