I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
