its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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