Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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