I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You may now shotgun with the bride
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
