last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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