I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
