i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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