1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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