Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
foreskin is a definite game changer
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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