I'm really into asian looking animals
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
