I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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