U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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