If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
