he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
A+ Viking dick
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
