Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
