The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize