took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
