worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
