Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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