bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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