Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
