TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
