And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
