...so i touched it.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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