After last night, I could never be a politician.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
