Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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