You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
