Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
