Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
His hands were made for my vagina.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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