I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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