so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Who died my cat blue again?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
