i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
