My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
