I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
