chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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