If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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