you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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