Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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