I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
