Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
