I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize