My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
