She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
