My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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