sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
