I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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